The sinking feeling

The awful sensation when you watch your kid fail.

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I am standing by the door, eavesdropping on my son's interview with a school admission officer. He is killing it, and I don't mean it in a good way.

Days leading up to the interview, I had briefed him on its importance. I prepared a list of 10 possible interview questions and left it with him. I advised him to jot down keywords then meet me to talk it through. Silence. So on the day of, I reminded him to discuss. He said that he is ready, he knows what to say, and it's all good.

This is where I struggled. I know that he would have done well if I had dragged him to sit with me. I understand interviews! So, should I have force help down his throat? Or did I do the right thing?

Research says I did the right thing, but the parenting process is hard.

My post-interview emotions were regret, disappointment, anger and...why am I frigging crying??? My husband said, "it's because you are being a mother." Oh. That's a new one. I guess letting go is a new concept for me now that my kids are growing up. Seeing them fail (with significant consequences) is a new emotion that I have to grapple with from now on.

Parents as consultants

Child development experts, Madeline Levine and Laurence Steinberg, provides evidence that "Authoritative Parenting" produces the best outcomes. It entails being supportive, but not controlling. The key is to give the kids all the resources they need to make an informed decision, and then allow them to learn from their own experiences.

Based on this parenting concept, authors of The Self Driven Child, William Stixrud & Ned Johnson urges parents to act as consultants, instead of enforcers. Consultants provide support yet recognise that it is the client's responsibility. Whose problem is it? In this case, it is the kid's.

The science behind it

When a kid realises that no one is there to enforce their tasks, they quickly see that they have to run their own lives. This sense of control creates an opportunity for their internal motivation to kick in.

Secondly, the brain develops how it is being used. So when the kid has more opportunities to make decisions when young, he/she learns to make better decisions.

So just wait to see them fail?

The short answer is yes. I guess a toddler doesn't learn to walk without falling in a safe environment.

How?

For me, I needed to reframe my role from being an enforcer ("Have you done your homework?") to act as a consultant ("Do you need help with your work?"). This means that I have to let go of whether he actually does his homework. Which is very stressful for me!

I came up with two strategies to help me cope...

1\ putting in some procedural control - For example, I have a "homework log" for the tuition teacher to note down if homework has been done. The kids know this. So if they do not want to face brimstones and fire, this gives them a kick. I check this log periodically. I compliment the good-doers. I sit down with the kids who struggle to finish and figure out why. But not before I ask if they need help. Most of the time, they will say yes, and that allows me to help them plan their time or sit with them to complete the work.

2\ have a plan B. If the task on hand is high stake (like a school admission interview!), then have a plan B ready. There is a good chance that our kids-in-training will screw it up. Having a plan B reduces stress and allows us to provide constructive advice rather than assassinate their character. [I am still trying to be better at the latter....gulp!]. Also, often plan B isn't bad especially when we are blessed with so many options.

So we have not heard back from the school, and I reckon we have a 50-50 chance. His academics and student portfolio may compensate for the foiled interview. I sat down to process the event with him; what went well, what went wrong, what could have been better, my opinion on the outcome, and talked through plan B preparations. He acknowledged, in hindsight, that he could not depend on his good looks and charm, and should have tapped on his mother's brilliance... erm... I mean.. experience to prepare better.

Another failure, another learning. Chalk this up to better instincts and self-awareness for future tasks.

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All it takes is little faith and trust. – Peter Pan

Update 11/11 - I am pleased to say that he has been offered a place in the school. Peter Pan was right after all.