Hug your kid today, every day

Back-to-school survival tip No. 2 - Remember that they are your little people. We want to be their safe base after their long stressful day in school.

"You mean more to me than anyone in this world." — Peter Pan

"Eh, why are you not doing your work??"

I get edgy when they are not doing their work. Every idle time is time wasted not studying, no?

Then I read something in the book The Self-Driven Child that made me feel bad. :(

"Teachers can teach, coaches can coach, but there's one thing only parents can do: Love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home.

For children who are stressed at school, the home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover.

When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they are struggling, it builds resilience.

Battling your child about due dates and lost worksheets invites school stress to take root at home."

Reread the bold words. Hmm.

OK after that guilt-trip, here are the 3 things I [try to] do to make amends for my sucky ways...

What I do.

1/ Shut up. I stop if the first words when I see the kid is about his school work. If I cannot think of anything nice to say to him, I just zip up and walk away until I am in a gentler mood.

2/ Be insidious. Ask him about his school work by offering to help. For example, "Do you need help with your daily plan?" Now I know what work he has. Heh. If he doesn't seem to be cracking on it, I then ask, "Do you need help with your Math?". I always hope he says no.

3/ Hug them, even if they stink. And especially if you have a non-talker or an over-sized teenager. They rarely reject it.

The science behind it.

You love them, and that is a good enough reason to create a safe home base for the kids to come back to. But on days when this love is trying, we can always turn to science for the extra motivation.

Stress & Resilience/ Stress is vital for building resilience. It is equally essential though, that the child feel supported during this trying situation.

During a stressful situation, a part of the brain called amygdala tries to take over because it senses a threat. It wants to keep the child safe by creating an impulse to "fight" or "run away". A voice needs to tell the brain that this threat is manageable. When that happens, the control passes back to the rational part of the brain (pre-frontal cortex), and the impulse is controlled. The ability to plan, organise and make a judgement also returns.

The adult support is that voice. When we tell a child that the stress or failure is manageable, his brain builds stronger circuitry in the pre-frontal cortex. The child is now mentally stronger to take on more pressure. This is resilience.

Stress & Damage/ When stress mode is allowed to recover back to calm quickly, this tolerable stress creates resilience. The same stress situation in the absence of a supportive adult will produce a different outcome.

The amygdala goes into overdrive, and the stress hormone cortisol is released. Elevated levels of cortisol for an extended period will kill off memory cells, and alter perspective. With no voice telling the brain that the threat is manageable, the stress message enlarges the amygdala. As such, every little stressor will produce fear and anxiety.

This type of stress does not prepare the child for the real world because his brain's stress response system is consistently activated, and that damages his developing brain.

Tell me all about it.

So, the single most crucial factor in helping our kids deal with school is us. Be that safe base for your children.

Shut up, Be Insidious & Hug them, even if they stink. Try these 3 tips, and write to me at priscilla@myrtuslife.com to let me know what worked and what didn't.

Remember - If you hate it, you can drop it as quickly as you picked it up. But I think it’s worthwhile to try.